Cabin Fever

First published November 2020

These days it’s hard for me to discern one day from the next. Unless I make an excursion to the grocery store - which is now akin to “going out” - the pattern and rhythm are exactly the same. My days have melded into one very long day. Ten months have passed since the world went into hiding - well, most of the world. Naysayers and skeptics did not abide by mask-wearing and social distancing, but the majority of the population has hunkered down. Like a grizzly bear taking shelter until spring.

Our self-imposed hibernation began in early spring - a time in the Midwest when everyone is aching to get outside…take a run by the lake, walk on the beach, or enjoy a concert amidst the energy of a packed crowd. March 16, 2020 was the shelter-in-place directive imposed in our Chicago suburb. Essential trips and walking outside were the only times for 2.5 months that we got out.

So, that’s when it started...the strategies we set in place almost a year ago to cope - the routines, offices moved from off-site work to home - in our case, one office in our bedroom, the other at the dining room table. The binge watching of Netflix, more cooking and no take-out. The array of masks we tried for comfort, glasses defogging, style or that would simply stay securely in place. Getting our college-age daughter out of Boston and back home - for 6 months. She essentially spent the second half of junior year cooped up with her parents -- and very little interaction with humans her age. It has been a strange and life-altering period of time. The feeling that every day is Groundhog Day has become our “new normal” - a term I use sparingly as the overuse grates on my nerves now.

The novelty has worn off. I just want it to be over. Can we please find a cure for the world? The insatiable thirst for any information I had at the beginning has been replaced with a quick daily check-on on numbers and stats. I felt hopeful that the vaccine would begin to resolve this period in history. As we begin to vaccinate and prioritize our front line workers, and teachers and the elderly - new, faster contaminating strains have arisen. When will this end? It feels as though my world has gotten so very small - because it has. Except for a few “COVID-safe” friends and family that I have seen in person, most interactions with human-kind have been via Facetime or Zoom.

Now, our initial strategies have morphed into very monotonous routines. It has become increasingly difficult to decipher what day it is, as the passage of time has no clear markers. Cooped up on our small condo, cabin fever has taken over...seeping into every nook and cranny of our small space. But, there is no escaping it, for now anyway, as we head deeper into the winter of discontent. The virus raging, hospitals still at capacity, people dying.

During this time, we have been very blessed— with jobs that allow us to work remotely, to fly our daughter home at a moment’s notice, to stock up on food and supplies. As an essential worker, my husband just received the second vaccine and my almost 80-year old mother has stayed healthy physically and mentally despite living alone with minimal interaction with anyone...and so much more.

For me the silver lining is the flip side of time. More time with family for some can be a blessing and a curse. For me it has been the greatest gift of the pandemic. It has been a treasure to slow down, especially the throwback to living as a nuclear family. My heart felt especially full watching my husband and daughter create a deeper bond through puzzle making, Saturday morning bike rides, long walks, and laughing over silly jokes. I have found myself reflecting more - looking within, meditating regularly, writing, wondering...how do I want to be in the world? What really matters to me? Can I become a full-time writer editor? What more can I do to help others in need?

The answers to my questions reveal themselves quietly, when I least expect it. This coupled with my growing resilience, courage and strength. The belief that we will get to the other side and we will be stronger.

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